Friday, July 27, 2012

Perfectly Content

The jitters (read: terrible worries) that accompanied the first trimester of pregnancy have dissolved and I am enjoying every freaking second of it at 26 weeks.  I think I thought I was enjoying my pregnancy with Violet but now I realize I was so preoccupied with the questions surrounding parenthood I don't think I really did.  "'What is coming next?" was my mantra through that pregnancy and I couldn't stop looking ahead to be in the moment.  There were so many things I thought I needed.  I spent my 9 months gathering the stuff of pregnancy and had very little time to focus on the state of pregnancy.  I haven't bought a thing for this one yet, (I saved the useful stuff from last time and realized much of it was  not so important as I thought) and so my attention has been squarely on this new person and how we are growing together.

For so many other reasons, this time is different.  The biggest reason it is different is because of Violet.  Her very being has proven to me that trying to predict "What is coming next?" is futile.  Luck and love have gotten our family of 3 pretty far and I am trust that will continue to work for us.  I also can't get over how very little control I have over anything.  When we married, I thought I would get to design my family to fit my desires.  It turns out, I have as much say in that as I have over what Violet wears each day.  Which is to say, I can lay out an outfit, plead the benefits of the outfit, and then still end up seeing a Hello Kitty tutu skirt paired with rainbow leggings.  And it bothers me at first.  But as the day wears on, it bothers me less.  And who knows when a costume change might come, anyway?  No use in getting too upset.

I feel the same way about this baby.  I wanted this baby sooner.  There are a lot of reasons why a smaller space between kids would have been better.  I could have gotten back to a full time job sooner.   Just as Violet's need for me is lessening, I'll be starting over with a new person.  Having a newborn is going to be delicious, and selfishly, I love that I am going to get to savor it and not chase after a toddler.  So, financially it doesn't make the most sense.  Oh, well.   Logistically, 4 and a half years isn't perfect.  But it is growing on me.  Violet is so wee still, but so independent.  She is already in love with her new sibling and hearing her describe in all of her four-year-old glory how she will sleep with the baby, rock the baby, snuggle the baby, and give the baby all of her discarded toys is priceless.  The only slight "What is coming next?" type feelings I have surround introducing Violet to this new person.  I cannot describe how thrilled I am to watch them meet.  Better than Christmas.

Physically, I am feeling wonderful.  I thought the daily shot in the stomach to treat my clotting disorder would put a damper on this pregnancy.  I am such a pro at it now, it doesn't even phase me.  This second trimester is blissful.  Feeling the baby's movements is the most wonderful kind of togetherness I have experienced.  I know the coming months will bring some discomforts--and they should--being pregnant forever shouldn't be any woman's goal.  For the time being, I am going to continue enjoying this ridiculous good luck I've stumbled upon.